The Conquests of Insignia the Great

This Post Is Late (But Inspired By Arrianos And The Shout Box)

IV.3. Insignia marches into Kyropolis
Kallisthenes tells us that the following morning was marked by heavy rains and storm clouds. Insignia, however, was impatient and would not delay in marching into the city, which was largest of them and had a higher wall, having been founded by Kyros. It was a city famous for its medical practitioners, the so-called Kyropraktes.
Because the greater and most warlike (and cowardly) part of the barbarian troop had fled into that city, it could not be taken in the first onslaught; wherefore, Aristobulos tells us, Insignia took her robodyguard, her shield-men, and the drunken archers from Hedonia and snuck in through that hole in the wall which had been made if a river should ever chance to meander through the city.
In this second onslaught she was wounded; Aristobulos says by an arrow in the neck. Ptolemaios, however, recalls it as being an anvil from a catapult, which had hit Insignia's right calf. This is Ptolemaios' explanation of Insignia's characteristic limp and unrefined tendency to kick incompetents with the left foot instead of the right.
Approaching the city gates to let her armies in, Insignia encountered the high priest of the city, followed by four slaves dragging a cart with containing a puzzle-box, as wide around as a bull and similarly high. In a shrill voice, the priest proclaimed the prophecy, that no invader should conquer Kyropolis that could not solve the puzzle.
Upon hearing this, Insignia ate him whole.
Kleitarchos claims that feeble cries for help could be heard for several minutes, but both Eratosthenes and those physicians of the modern day with whom I have consulted reject the possibility of such a thing.
After this thing, Insignia kicked the gates open with the left foot, set the troops to rake the streets and walls of enemy soldiers, and ordered the raging pyromaniacs of Syracuse to burn the temples of the ignorant box-worshippers (Insignia herself venerating the mighty barrel). The pyromaniacs, seeking materials for torches, disassembled the puzzle box and lit the bits on fire — and in so doing fulfilled the prophecy, maintains Ephemerídes, who always wants closure on these things.
Thus had Insignia taken six cities and made their inhabitants slaves, in the space of three days.