Friday, September 23, 2005

Arborea

Once upon a time, there was a man who imagined himself a tree. Every morning for two hours he stood in his garden, arms stretched out, bare toes buried in the ground, trying to feel like his skin was bark, his hair leaves, his veins transporting water from the ground instead of blood. Sometimes he would practice on the bus or in the queue to the restroom as well, but without doing the motions. He used to dream about being a tree at night, but he didn’t think that it would count.

And so he became a tree in his mind long before he did in body; one morning he didn’t come in from the garden, he just kept standing there arms outstretched, halfway between the geraniums and the small wooden table. His relatives got used to him fairly quickly. “Oh, that’s Henry,” they would say to curious visitors. “He’s a tree.”

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I had the audacity to switch to monthly archives. The shock! The horror!

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Ursa major

The bear didn’t want to dance; that was the start of their troubles. They tried feeding it apples, and scratching it behind the ears, and singing its favourite songs, but it would just raise its shaggy head and look at them with eyes full of longing.

They tried doing the rest of the act anyway, but the juggler kept dropping the balls and the pipes made such a lonely sound. It just wasn’t the same.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Question to the general public

If you were to start a robot jazz band, would you call them "The Be-Bots" or "The Bandroids"?

Monday, September 12, 2005

That's peculiar

According to The Owl Pages, the call of the Elf Owl (Micrathene whitneyi) sounds like “Greg Clarke”. And it’s copyrighted, too. It seems like owls are a more advanced species than I would have thought.

Also: “When danger approaches, an Elf Owl straightens its body, covers its lighter underparts with one wing, then turns its head and peers over the bent wing with the top of its eyes.”

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Music

I have found Singing Science Records, and I will never listen to anything else. That’s all.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

A Clearly Enunciated Lesson In Creative Fury

A Comic for Clockmaker

Look ye upon The Outbursts of Everett True, o Badgers, and be enlightened.
I know I am.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

An Administrative Note

It seems very likely that we have been hit by comment spam, so I turned on word verification* for comments. It would be nice if there was a way to turn it off for registered users and only make anonymous commenters jump through the hoops, but at the moment it looks like we all have to suffer.

*A process where you have to look at a picture and write down the depicted letters, which most emphatically do not form a word. Maybe it's a conspiracy, meant to increase the number of Verified Words™ in the world to unmanageable numbers, in order to drive spelling zealots and Scrabble players everywhere mad. It could happen.

Hey Guys. I found an old magazine article about the rock band Unexpected Badger, which provided the name of this blog and from the stage names of whose members we have taken our usernames.

Unexpected Badger: a piece of music history

The well-versed veterans of alternative rock outfit Unexpected Badger are among the grand old men of the bussiness. For almost half a century they have performed and made albums, never reaching the charts but always existing just below the surface of the mainstream, influencing other musicians as well as reflecting current trends.

Unexpected Badger was formed under humble circumstances. In the late fifties, jazz afficionado Clockmaker defeated his sociophobia and hit the jazz clubs to enjoy his favourite music. It was here, on the notorious beatnik café "the shout box" that he met beat poet J Sandas. They soon decided to start their own band and went looking for people to join them. They heard rumours of the mysterious "Ugglan", a man who dressed and lived like an owl among the rooftops of the city. Immediately convinced that he was the man for them, they set out to find this elusive individual. They crafted an intricate device, "the owl-catcher", which completely failed to function due to the fact that neither of the two knew a single piece of mechanics.

Finally, they just put up an ad in the paper and the next day they had Ugglan on the phone, eager to join the band. He proved to be a competent musician. Other recruitments at the time were Feuflux and the primordial being Insignia. In 1960, they struck their first record deal with Gardener Records and released their self-titled album.

In the early sixties the band drifted towards a more rock-oriented sound, with songs like "Twenty-five Cents Short Of A New Pair Of Shoes Twostep Shimmy", "The Guy In The Spotlight Has Hideous Facial Hair", and "Put Your Pants On For God's Sake". This change was cemented by the 1963 arrival of Kusch the worldwalker into the band. Kusch had travelled the worlds of the multiverse for ten years and assured the band that rock was all the rage in the other dimensions as well. Eager to get on the interdimensional bandwagon, the band made Kusch lead singer, and actually had a minor hit in the Second Realm of Light with "A Walrus Will Never Be Elected President", but as they were way too boring to take psychedelic drugs or participate in free love, the band totally missed the whole point of the sixties and as the seventies began, they still labored in obscurity. They had, however, expanded the band with yet another member, the guru Light Steps On Leaves that was imported from The East as the bands spiritual guide but stayed as a musician.

During the seventies, Badger was into political commentary, with songs such as "Karl Marx On The Rocks", "Foldout Engels", "Lenin Tango", "Stalin Shuffle", "Pol Pot Polka" and "Mannerheim Marengue". For some inexplicable reason, however, the listeners didn't take the band's social comittment seriously.

In 1979, Feuflux was killed in an accident involving dice. The coroner's report, however, stated that Feuflux had been stabbed to death, which created much speculation among fans as to the real cause of the death. To replace Feuflux, in 1980 the band recruited german Dimfrost whose band Terone had just split up. In Dimfrost, Badger found a competent songwriter and synthist, and so they were settled for the eighties.

The eighties are - as everyone knows - the least interesting decade of this century and consequently Badger did nothing of importance in these ten years. Songs like "Elders Disturbed by Bad Lighting", "Standin' on the Corner Tryin' to Bum a Cigarrette Blues" and "What's All This Then? You're All Nicked!" are characeristic of the Badger sound of this time.

Then came the nineties, with its boy bands and brit pop. Badger seemed very out of date, but in certain circles the band's sixties and seventies recordings had started to become rediscovered. All this provoked Badger to release a series of new albums: "Kids These Days Don't Know How To Play the Harmonica" was followed by "Tea and Lies", which actually saw a song on the hit lists ("Drawing Rhomboid Shapes on Your Girlfriends Belly Is Cause for Separation"). Last month, "Local Man Found in Soup" was released, and while it probably won't sell platinum, it has been critically acclaimed (to Clockmaker's great annoyance) and it can definitely be said that Badger is back on the road and as unexpected as ever.

Below follows a short presentation of the seven members of the band:

Kusch (Lead vocals, lead guitar)

The charismatic front man of Badger. Kusch has the ability to travel between parallell dimensions and is probably a couple thousand years old. He's the undeniable leader of the band and... eh, sorry... Clockmaker is standing behind me, reading over my shoulder and laughing maniacally.

Dimfrost (Synthesizer, second guitar, harmonic vocals)


Dimfrost was prevously known as Fritz Klegg and fronted the german prog rock band Terone, that attracted crowds of hundreds of thousands with its songs about sunflower fields and zeppelins. Badger recruited him after previous synth player Feuflux died in a freak dice accident. A seasoned songwriter, Dimfrost makes the lyrics of almost half of Badger's songs. His lyrical style is easily recognized and contains fantastic themes such as lengthy, detailed descriptions of otherwordly milieus and complex rhyme structures.

Insignia (Bass guitar, harmonic vocals)

Insignia is not only the Causa Causans, the primordial cause that made the universe begin and all causal relationships start to unfold, she's also one hell of a bassist. Having a transcendental being of enormous power in the band has helped Badger immensley. For example, during a copyright feud with their previous record label, Insignia simply unmade the label completely, extinguishing it retroactively from history as well as from the present. Problem solved! Mean tongues have it that Insignia is the sole cause for the band's success. In a methaphysical sense this is certainly true, seeing as how she is the sole cause of everything, but the people who think that Badger's first record contract was given to them by Insignia through miracle are just paranoid.

Clockmaker (Drums)

Hammering away on his drums with seemingly endless energy, Clockmaker is the mechanical heart of Badger's music. "I just pretend they're the heads of people I dislike" the seasoned drummer once cheerfully explained when asked how he could keep his sometimes superhuman tempo. There certainly does not seem to be a shortage of such people, and we can only hope that Clockmaker will continue making enemies for many years to come.

Ugglan (Fiddle, ukulele, banjo, harmonica, accordion)


Ugglan gives the group's music a country tinge. Little is known about Ugglan, who keeps his head inside an owl mask at all times. Fact is, noone has ever seen Ugglan's real face, not even the other band members (or so they say). Much is rumored of Ugglan, like how he lives in a hole in a tree, only comes out at night and eats rats which he catches himself by swooping down from the treetops. When confronted with his weird behaviour, Ugglan has been known to alternately explain that he's the member of an ancient secret society, "the citizenry", which worships the owl as a god, and that he's simply wicky in the wacky woo.

Light Steps on Leaves (Double bass, fiddle, sitar, flute, didgeridoo, various)

It was on a spiritual journey in The East during the sixties that Clockmaker found Light Steps on Leaves, a guru that used music and pseudopsychological meditation methods to come in contact with the astral guides. Clockmaker promptly returned him to The West to provide spiritual guidance for the band. This was the sixties, mind you, so people felt a need for spiritual guidance. However, the band soon became endeared with the big exotic man with his beard cut in the likeness of the Monkey God Hanuman, and they kept him even after the sixties were over. He plays a variety of weird instruments that gives Badger's music an exotic aftertaste.

J Sandas (Saxophone, trumpet, trombone)

"Cool Hepcat" J Sandas is the jazzy soul of Badger. In all the years since the fifties ended he hasn't forgot the band's roots and he takes every opportunity to demontrate this with an intense saxophone solo. He seldom writes songs of his own, but has been working on his musical masterpiece "Unreal Trombone" for, um... 50 years.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Kensington Gardens

In which Tick-Tock perceives his hero, and returns to the Old Country

Wellanow. I'm back. Surprisingly pleased to be back, too, which I currently attribute to missing my tea and books. (Curious fact: I was unable to locate any good tea shops in Wales. I conjecture that this is either because 1) Although tea is a common drink, everyone is content to consume it via bags, or because 2) I suck.) So far, I haven't actually done anything except take tea with Kusch and play a lot of video games, but I'm hoping to get some writing done in the next week or so.

Before coming back, I did stuff. One and a half months of Stuff, actually, since my last post on the matter. (Astute readers will notice that a pair of posts previously promised are missing. I would much prefer if everyone pretended that never happened, however, because as it turns out, one wasn't a sufficient subject to fascinate, while the other wasn't really a subject at all.) For the most part, these one and a half months and the Stuff therein were excellent. This is despite large portions of the Stuff being study-based. I visited Harlech and the town of Caernarfon, and gawked at Snowdon (all in one day!), was visited by friends, found sea-glass, was shown hidden and verdant streams, and purchased a harmonica. All told, an excellent tally. (There may or may not be a lengthier account later. At present, not much of it seems to make for good stories, although it was good fun.)

In the last two days, my traveling companions and I went to London, since that's where the airport was.
London was eventful. The first day was spent arriving, and then looking for Kensington Gardens. We finally found them late in the evening: as it turns out, we were living on the road leading up to the main gate. We had just been looking in the wrong direction.
The same evening, we got lost in the embassy area while looking for a restaurant (which, again, turned out to be just around the bend from where we stayed), but if anyone asks, I'm adamantly declaring that I wanted to visit the consulate of Brunei as a sight-seeing spot.
The following day, ambulation was had by all, with shop-lookings (many closed, few open) and a visit to the bronze of Pan near the Long Water. Considering my opinion of the book, this was exceedingly pleasing. (Also, the small bronze mice are very cute.)
Oh, and: Peter Pan is copyrighted in perpetuity to the Great Ormond St. Children's Hospital, but The Little White Bird is not. Thus, I give you, in the public domain: Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens.
Then we went home. And since then, I've been drinking tea pretty much non-stop.

Und now: Lists!

Books and comics purchased:
Captain Alatriste, by Arturo Pérez-Reverte (give or take a few accents)
Straken (part three in some trilogy or other), by Terry Brooks
Secret of the Crocodiles, by Some Schmoe (may or may not be an accurate name)
V for Vendetta, by Alan Moore (which I enjoyed distinctly more than I previously recalled)
Cerebus (Cerebus, album 1), by Dave Sim
High Society (Cerebus, album 2), still by Dave Sim (gasp!)
Ghost in the Shell, by Masamune Shirow
How to Abuse Parentheses, by Marcel Proust*

Objects Constructed:
One sandwich-wrapping-paper hat, deeply flawed
One bark boat (There should have been more, but owing to the next list, there weren't)
One near-functioning pirate internet connection
Two hidden caches of nice rocks (not re-found)
Roughly three gabillion paper cranes
One lasting animosity (with an old woman/crone)

Flaws in Local Bark (Aberystwyth, Wales):
Insufficient thickness
Excessive porosity
Poor structural integrity on account of biological decomposition
Scarce


*Not actually a book