There Is A New Year, There Is A New Way

Status Updates and Mad Science

We seem to have survived into the new year, and the Badger with us. That's nice. Of course, for all of you out there at home, that may be a little too sparse in the way of information. Accordingly, I thought I'd give you a roll call of how we're all doing:

Kusch continues to enjoy retirement in the Colonel's cupboard. With the addition of a pillow and an electric bulb, his abode is now fully furnished, and so, for lack of anything else to do, Kusch has started work on the third volume of his autobiography A Lifetime Of Wearing Underpants. At last examination (the day after Boxing Day), he had gotten as far as the flying piranha chapter, which, in the book, he has chosen to call The Flying Piranha Chapter.
Questioned about supplies, he claimed to have »enough mustard to last an age of Man«.

J. Sandas continues his battle against the mongeese infesting his basement and tea-room. Having found mild flattery to be a wholly inefficient weapon, Sandas has escalated the conflict to wielding Latin puns. He would be a lot worse off if the mongeese didn't have a predilection for Earl Grey, which Sandas doesn't like anyway.
The crumpets, however, are a great loss. We hear he's thinking of buying a book of knock-knock jokes.

Insignia is, unfortunately, lost in outer space. We really don't know how she got there. Honest.

Dimfrost's bold experiments in the Amazon Jungle have been a smashing success, and no doubt every one of our readers has heard of his wondrous devices, the Automated Tap-Dancer, the Geodesic Useless Object (finest of all souvenirs), the Kriegaffe and the aptly named Venezuelator, capable of turning any man into Hugo Chavez.
It is perhaps less common knowledge that he has mustered an entire army of Kriegaffen near the mouth of the Orinoco River, and stands poised to conquer this Earth in a rain of fire and blood.

Ugglan has been turned into Hugo Chavez. This enabled him to win the recent Venezuelan elections in a landslide, and he now resides in comfort with his girlfriend in his presidential mansion in Caracas. We are given to understand that Venezuelan political relations with North Korea have flourished since the election, and farmers now output more raw cocaine than at any previous time in history.
Besides this, Ugglan has also achieved Supreme Ultimate Happiness through possession of two Totoro plushies, a condition which is unfortunately fated to pass once his cat starts chewing on their soft skulls.

Light Steps On Leaves has been determined to never have been more than a trick of said light, and we are all ashamed to some degree for having fallen for such a simple scam for so long, except Dimfrost, who is exceedingly gullible. Various pictorial evidence has been closely assessed to reach this verdict, and copies can be had by request to the Library of Congress, for file #-62-357-441-C. Request a complete archive, and send them a self-adressed envelope, stamped with postage for two kilograms, along with some juniper seeds. Mr. Krauss, Third Librarian of the microfiche wing, loves juniper seeds.

As for me, Clockmaker, I'm currently trapped in an Ouija board, laboriously spinning this message out to you through the fingers of nine-year-olds. I hope you appreciate my great sacrifice and strenuous, Bauby-like efforts to convey this message to you all. Happy New Year, dear readers! (For the love of God call the Paranormal Department, I'm getting a cramp in my back like you wouldn't believe!)